


and now we return to our usual programming!

by oneofthemuses



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 13:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2272389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneofthemuses/pseuds/oneofthemuses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything has to end some time and really, it's amazing she even got six months of mat leave because ISIS (read: Mallory) doesn't really believe in workers' rights.  So here she is, Lana Kane, new mother and super spy, on her first day back and she's ready.  Seriously, she could kick some ass right now.  If she had to.  Wouldn't even be hard.  [Phrasing!]  Except it's her first day back to being a super spy and she's a new mom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and now we return to our usual programming!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Diaphenia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diaphenia/gifts).



> Thanks a bunch to my last-minute beta-reader, hbthomas, who is an awesome writer. I've only read her Community and Arrow stuff but she nails them both and I imagine her other work is equally amazeballs! She was a life saver :)

She’s wearing her usual sweater dress and it’s black and it looks fabulous and Lana would like to say it was all intentional but really, it looked clean and she’s wearing Spanx so no, things aren’t going quite as smoothly as she’d hoped they would be.  It’s been six months since she gave birth and it’s her first week back at work and she’s slowly but surely losing her shit.

Of course, it’s Archer who notices first.

“Geez, Lana, are you even taking showers on your own anymore?”  His voice reaches her from somewhere behind her shoulder and when she turns to look, she finds him right there.  She sighs deeply and pushes him back.  

There’s thirty seconds of silence and that’s unusual when it comes to Archer, really it is.  She waits for more but it seems like that’s all he’s going to say.  She lets the silence linger for another fifteen seconds just to be sure but nope, he stays quiet.  

Lana contemplates ignoring him but it’s Archer, and it’s probably a good idea to just get it over with.  She opens her mouth to respond, not with the truth, because she’s Lana Kane and she doesn’t admit defeat just because an Archer has interrupted her sleep multiple times and/or left bodily fluids in her hair which is when he decides to continue.  

“I mean, you smell like baby oil and butt cream.”  He must read her suddenly wide eyes and raised eye brows because he doesn’t stop there.  “I’m not saying I don’t like it but it’s not really office-appropriate.”  He pauses, before shrugging.  “Unless you want to do it in my office.”

“We aren’t doing it in your office, Archer.”  She catches his hopeful look and clarifies before he can ask.  “Or anywhere else.  We’re not going to have sex, Archer.”

“Are you sure, Lana?  Because your doctor said you were good to go after six weeks.”

“WHAT!”

* * *

 

His explanation doesn’t end with a bullet but that’s only because he removed the firing pin on her weapon.

“You did what?!?”

“Uh, Lana, I removed the firing pin.  We already went over this.”

She pictures AJ’s face and reminds herself that murdering the father of her child might feel good now but she’d probably regret it later.  Maybe.  Like, there’s a chance she might so it’s probably not a good idea.  

“Okay.  Why did you do that, Archer?”  He huffs out a disbelieving laugh like Lana’s the one being ridiculous and idiotic in this conversation.  “Archer?”  She prompts him again because her already thin patience is waning quickly.

“You have a baby.”

“I know that, Archer.  It doesn’t answer my question.”

“Yes, it does, Lana.”  

She shakes her head slowly.

“It definitely does not.”

“Safety first, Lana, safety first.  I mean, what if AJ got her hands on it!”  It’s not really an answer  but Lana, despite her irritation, can appreciate that Archer was thinking about AJ.  He was still monumentally stupid, but his heart was in the right place.

“It was disassembled and locked in a safe, five feet up.  How exactly would AJ have gotten it again?”

“I know all that, Lana, I’m the one who took out the firing pin, remember?  Thanks for that, by the way, it went a lot faster since it was already in pieces.  You were out like a light before I finished my first martini but it was nice that I didn’t have to rush.”  

She stares at him, unable to formulate a response, because the last time she fell asleep with Archer still in her apartment was over a month ago.  Which means she’s had a mostly useless weapon in her possession and didn’t know for at least a month.  He seems to realize he didn’t answer her actual question because he keeps going without waiting for a response.  

“Besides, she’s our baby, Lana, do you really doubt her spy skills?”  It’s hard to deny his logic on that one because, well, that’s true.  Archer’s a damn good spy and so is she and it’s a sure bet that AJ inherited some of their combined skill.  Lana feels most of her anger drain away.  She may be having a shitty week and yeah, she’s been having some doubts about being a mom and a spy but she also has Archer around and as awful as they are, ISIS is family, so AJ will probably be okay.  Scarred for life and weird, but okay.

That doesn’t mean she’ll ever tell Archer that.

“Just, god, Archer, don’t touch my goddamn weapon.”

 **  
**Still, when she’s next at his condo, Lana makes sure to dump out all of his lube.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first time writing in a fandom outside of Community (crossovers notwithstanding) and I feel like I did a piss-poor job with character voices/dialogue but hot damn, did I try! Anyway, I hope you, Diaphenia, liked it because I tried to bear in mind your prompts and meta commentary about the kinds of things you do and don't like!


End file.
